You may have pockets of anxious attachment strategies that help you stay emotionally safe.
The Rescuer
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The Rescuer Archetype
You are a beautiful human. With rescuer traits, you may find yourself investing a lot of energy in nurturing others.
You are probably known for your incredible generosity, intuitive super-powers, and stunning compassion. You have an uncanny ability to know what other people feel and how to best help.
But this can cause problems because you’re more likely than other archetypes to lose yourself in others.
When you keep letting your needs take the backseat, it can be hard to trust yourself. Are you expecting too much . . . to want something in return, or is your partner’s behavior actually inconsiderate? Maybe even a red flag?
The truth is . . . your archetype often worries about losing love, especially when your partner is absent. It can make the low-level anxiety rescuers usually live with spiral out of control.
You probably need constant connection to feel secure. And it might have nothing to do with your partner.
We can help. Understanding the love archetypes is the first step.
The Rescuer Archetype
You are a beautiful human. With rescuer traits, you may find yourself investing a lot of energy in nurturing others.
You are probably known for your incredible generosity, intuitive super-powers, and stunning compassion. You have an uncanny ability to know what other people feel and how to best help.
But this can cause problems because you’re more likely than other archetypes to lose yourself in others.
When you keep letting your needs take the backseat, it can be hard to trust yourself. Are you expecting too much . . . to want something in return, or is your partner’s behavior actually inconsiderate? Maybe even a red flag?
The truth is . . . your archetype often worries about losing love, especially when your partner is absent. It can make the low-level anxiety rescuers usually live with spiral out of control.
You probably need constant connection to feel secure. And it might have nothing to do with your partner.
We can help. Understanding the love archetypes is the first step.
Understand the 3 Love Archetypes
EXPLORER
insecure
Pros
Good at focusing on their own dreams. Strong and independent.
Cons
Explorers build walls and hold their partners at arms-length to avoid being hurt.
Sharing intimate feelings can bring up such a powerful fear of rejection, they often keep relationships superficial and sometimes very short. This discomfort with intimacy can be seen in an explorer’s difficulty sustaining eye contact.
Explorers send mixed signals (push-pull) and might have unequal boundaries that are sometimes unfair and unrealistic.
They’d rather take care of their own needs because relying on someone is risky. An explorer’s motto might be, “don’t trust anyone, not even me.”
Because explorers have a positive view of themselves and a negative view of others, they might pick at their partner’s insignificant faults to emotionally distance themselves when their partner gets too close for comfort.
While an explorer longs for connection, they might feel stressed by being with their partner and pine after an idealized, broken relationship from the past. (Why? They’re no longer threatened by intimacy with that person . . . so their attachment system came back online and created longing.)
An explorer on the path to healing is a hero in training. It’s not easy, but it’s worth it.
THE HERO
secure
Pros
Take the journey to relationship paradise.
You, your partner, family members, or friends may have many of these traits, and the more the better. Being with a hero is like finding out you won the jackpot . . . every day! Year-after-year, there’s an overflow of riches.
Heroes are comfy with intimacy, autonomy, and interdependence. They’re warm, positive, and stable.
There’s laughter. There’s play. There’s juicy closeness.
Heroes are open, trusting, self-reflective, and have a positive view of themselves and others. When it comes to conflict, they’re open to sharing and talking things through.
And they know they deserve the same respect they offer, so they refuse to settle.
Heroes live lives full of love and meaning.
And of course, they’re wonderfully equipped to help their partners heal. Just being with one can flip us out of an insecure archetype in 2-3 years.
If you’re not completely in this camp yet, but you’re invested in developing healthy relationship skills, you’re on the path to secure love.
Welcome to Your Hero’s Journey.
Cons
Heroes tend to settle-down with other Heroes. It’s rare for them to be available.
If they pick a partner with a very insecure archetype, it can confuse their otherwise steady attachment system and pull them off center.
RESCUER
insecure
Pros
Incredibly loving, compassionate, nurturing, encouraging, and committed. Rescuers are all in.
Cons
Rescuers people-please to show love and usually have a positive view of others and a negative view of themselves.
This negative view can make it hard for them to really soak up their partner’s love and believe in it–so they might belittle or block loving gestures.
Rescuers often analyze what they said and worry they’ve done something wrong. It’s hard to feel confident and not second-guess everything.
Rescuers give too much and can be taken for granted or exploited in toxic situations.
When a rescuer keeps score and fears their love isn’t reciprocated, anxiety and disappointment can quickly turn to anger if their partner doesn’t respond.
Rescuers’ fear of losing connection can get so overwhelming they accidentally smother their partner. Without meaning to, they can push away the very love they long for.
When a rescuer takes small steps toward secure attachment (such as by learning how to calm their inner critic), it can make a huge difference in their relationship quality and longevity.
A rescuer on the path to healing is a hero in training. It’s not easy, but it’s worth it.
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THE ARTIST
In 10% of the Population, a Rare 4th Archetype Combines Rescuer and Explorer traits.
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Understand the 3 Love Archetypes
THE HERO
secure
Pros
Take the journey to relationship paradise.
You, your partner, family members, or friends may have many of these traits, and the more the better. Being with a hero is like finding out you won the jackpot . . . every day! Year-after-year, there’s an overflow of riches.
Heroes are comfy with intimacy, autonomy, and interdependence. They’re warm, positive, and stable.
There’s laughter. There’s play. There’s juicy closeness.
Heroes are open, trusting, self-reflective, and have a positive view of themselves and others. When it comes to conflict, they’re open to sharing and talking things through.
And they know they deserve the same respect they offer, so they refuse to settle.
Heroes live lives full of love and meaning.
And of course, they’re wonderfully equipped to help their partners heal. Just being with one can flip us out of an insecure archetype in 2-3 years.
If you’re not completely in this camp yet, but you’re invested in developing healthy relationship skills, you’re on the path to secure love.
Welcome to Your Hero’s Journey.
Cons
Heroes tend to settle-down with other Heroes. It’s rare for them to be available.
If they pick a partner with a very insecure archetype, it can confuse their otherwise steady attachment system and pull them off center.
RESCUER
insecure
Pros
Incredibly loving, compassionate, nurturing, encouraging, and committed. Rescuers are all in.
Cons
Rescuers people-please to show love and usually have a positive view of others and a negative view of themselves.
This negative view can make it hard for them to really soak up their partner’s love and believe in it–so they might belittle or block loving gestures.
Rescuers often analyze what they said and worry they’ve done something wrong. It’s hard to feel confident and not second-guess everything.
Rescuers give too much and can be taken for granted or exploited in toxic situations.
When a rescuer keeps score and fears their love isn’t reciprocated, anxiety and disappointment can quickly turn to anger if their partner doesn’t respond.
Rescuers’ fear of losing connection can get so overwhelming they accidentally smother their partner. Without meaning to, they can push away the very love they long for.
When a rescuer takes small steps toward secure attachment (such as by learning how to calm their inner critic), it can make a huge difference in their relationship quality and longevity.
A rescuer on the path to healing is a hero in training. It’s not easy, but it’s worth it.
EXPLORER
insecure
Pros
Good at focusing on their own dreams. Strong and independent.
Cons
Explorers build walls and hold their partners at arms-length to avoid being hurt.
Sharing intimate feelings can bring up such a powerful fear of rejection, they often keep relationships superficial and sometimes very short. This discomfort with intimacy can be seen in an explorer’s difficulty sustaining eye contact.
Explorers send mixed signals (push-pull) and might have unequal boundaries that are sometimes unfair and unrealistic.
They’d rather take care of their own needs because relying on someone is risky. An explorer’s motto might be, “don’t trust anyone, not even me.”
Because explorers have a positive view of themselves and a negative view of others, they might pick at their partner’s insignificant faults to emotionally distance themselves when their partner gets too close for comfort.
While an explorer longs for connection, they might feel stressed by being with their partner and pine after an idealized, broken relationship from the past. (Why? They’re no longer threatened by intimacy with that person . . . so their attachment system came back online and created longing.)
An explorer on the path to healing is a hero in training. It’s not easy, but it’s worth it.
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THE ARTIST
In 10% of the Population, a Rare 4th Archetype Combines Rescuer and Explorer traits.
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RESCUER AT A GLANCE
known for
generosity, kindness, and people pleasing . .
but may often struggle to fully absorb joyful moments . . . there’s this worry something will go wrong
in relationship
often pick relationships with explorers and feel isolated,
lose themselves in other’s needs, ignore signs of trouble, want to be with their partners all the time, and long for more closeness and reassurance
their fear of being left often drives partners away
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when upset
there’s a fear of abandonment, and words spill out like a waterfall. . .
may demand and nag or withdraw and sulk. Criticism is almost impossible to bear . . . it feels like the end
RESCUER AT A GLANCE
known for
generosity, kindness, and people pleasing . .
but may often struggle to fully absorb joyful moments . . . there’s this worry something will go wrong
in relationship
often pick relationships with explorers and feel isolated,
lose themselves in other’s needs, ignore signs of trouble, want to be with their partners all the time, and long for more closeness and reassurance
their fear of being left often drives partners away
when upset
there’s a fear of abandonment, and words spill out like a waterfall. . .
may demand and nag or withdraw and sulk. Criticism is almost impossible to bear . . . it feels like the end
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Where Do Archetypes Come From?
Dive into the Hero Archetype in the psychology field, and it’s called “Securely Attached,” meaning it’s easy for Heroes to discern, cultivate, repair, and maintain healthy, lasting connections. It’s intuitive.
These people grew up saturated in emotional chicken-soup at least 20-30% of the time, according to research from attachment scientist Ed Tronick. Their feel-good climate wasn’t perfect, but it was good-enough to make them inhabit five feelings, which became their way of being in the world.
5 Things Hero Archetypes Grew Up Feeling . . .
- safe and protected
- seen and known
- comforted, soothed, and reassured
- unconditionally supported and encouraged, and
- prized by caregivers who expressed complete delight in them.
PLUS, their caregivers were physically present, genuinely accessible, consistent, reliable, trustworthy, and completely interested and happy to learn everything about them they wanted to share. When a rupture happened, their parents quickly repaired the bond. (Daniel P. Brown, Harvard)
This created a whole, happy brain—with both the Attachment System and Exploratory System active and humming along.
Where Do Archetypes Come From?
Dive into the Hero Archetype in the psychology field, and it’s called “Securely Attached,” meaning it’s easy for Heroes to discern, cultivate, repair, and maintain healthy, lasting connections. It’s intuitive.
These people grew up saturated in emotional chicken-soup at least 20-30% of the time, according to research from attachment scientist Ed Tronick. Their feel-good climate wasn’t perfect, but it was good-enough to make them inhabit five feelings, which became their way of being in the world.
5 Things Hero Archetypes Grew Up Feeling . . .
- safe and protected
- seen and known
- comforted, soothed, and reassured
- unconditionally supported and encouraged, and
- prized by caregivers who expressed complete delight in them.
PLUS, their caregivers were physically present, genuinely accessible, consistent, reliable, trustworthy, and completely interested and happy to learn everything about them they wanted to share. When a rupture happened, their parents quickly repaired the bond. (Daniel P. Brown, Harvard)
This created a whole, happy brain—with both the Attachment System and Exploratory System active and humming along.
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Through no-fault of their own, caregivers often fall short.
Perhaps work took them from us too much, and we experienced neglect . . . neglect is more toxic for the developing brain than physical abuse.
Perhaps our caregivers had their own unrelenting parents and did the best they knew how. Perhaps they believed once-popular advice to let babies “cry it out” before our brains were developed enough to interpret it as anything other than abandonment.
Perhaps a traumatic accident, a medical procedure, poverty, death, divorce, addiction, or civil unrest masked our brain’s access to our innate attachment security.
We can be deeply loved and our pro-social brains will still respond to neglect, criticism, rejection, abuse, and inconsistent caregiving like it’s trauma.
Because it is. Trauma is a loss of connection.
And a brain without connection strengthens synaptic pathways that anticipate more of the same to try to thwart the pain.
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•
•
•
Through no-fault of their own, caregivers often fall short.
Perhaps work took them from us too much, and we experienced neglect . . . neglect is more toxic for the developing brain than physical abuse.
Perhaps our caregivers had their own unrelenting parents and did the best they knew how. Perhaps they believed once-popular advice to let babies “cry it out” before our brains were developed enough to interpret it as anything other than abandonment.
Perhaps a traumatic accident, a medical procedure, poverty, death, divorce, addiction, or civil unrest masked our brain’s access to our innate attachment security.
We can be deeply loved and our pro-social brains will still respond to neglect, criticism, rejection, abuse, and inconsistent caregiving like it’s trauma.
Because it is. Trauma is a loss of connection.
And a brain without connection strengthens synaptic pathways that anticipate more of the same to try to thwart the pain.
ARCHETYPE
BRAIN SYSTEMS
explorers’
fear of closeness makes their attachment system short-circuit (along with dissociation from those feelings)
but this is “tolerable” because
their exploratory system hyper-activates . . . which creates left-brain dominance and an illusion of self-sufficiency
after danger
we self-protected by adapting rescuer traits, explorer traits, or the artist’s combo-platter
these adaptations helped us survive, but they don’t serve us now.
our brain circuity will continue to recreate the same types of painful dynamics
all our lives, unless we intervene
•
rescuers’
attachment system hyper-activates . . . they’re on the lookout for loss
it might attract them to familiar-feeling, dismissing partners
with so much energy devoted to preventing lost connection, their exploratory system can flicker off
ARCHETYPE
BRAIN SYSTEMS
after danger
we self-protected by adapting rescuer traits, explorer traits, or the artist’s combo-platter
these adaptations helped us survive, but they don’t serve us now.
our brain circuity will continue to recreate the same types of painful dynamics
all our lives, unless we intervene
rescuers’
attachment system hyper-activates . . . they’re on the lookout for loss
it might attract them to familiar-feeling, dismissing partners
with so much energy devoted to preventing lost connection, their exploratory system can flicker off
explorers’
fear of closeness makes their attachment system short-circuit (along with dissociation from those feelings)
but this is “tolerable” because
their exploratory system hyper-activates . . . which creates left-brain dominance and an illusion of self-sufficiency
•
•
•
•
•
It’s all unconscious. We tell ourselves a story about how people treat us, and it painfully unfolds around us.
It’s not our fault (or even our caregivers’) that we didn’t get the nurturing we needed, but we can do something now. One baby step at a time, we can shed our protective shells and inhabit our innate security.
We can evolve beyond what happened to us.
We can become our own StoryKeeper.
We can become each other’s.
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•
•
•
•
•
•
It’s all unconscious. We tell ourselves a story about how people treat us, and it painfully unfolds around us.
It’s not our fault (or even our caregivers’) that we didn’t get the nurturing we needed, but we can do something now. One baby step at a time, we can shed our protective shells and inhabit our innate security.
We can evolve beyond what happened to us.
We can become our own StoryKeeper.
We can become each other’s.
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Live From Wholeness
After we’ve resolved early wounding, our lives are all the richer. Our capacity is greater. So is our empathy, our creativity, our connection to the divine, the depth of our meaning and purpose, and our bonds . . .
We absolutely can strengthen and re-access our secure attachment wiring. It’s just skill-building practice. And the easiest way to do it is through relationship.
Attachment security is part of our core-identity. Experiencing it is like unearthing gold.
Everything gets lighter. We feel playful and free. And we can measure our riches in terms of belonging—to ourselves and each other.
We’ve been here. We know what it’s like. We’ve helped thousands of couples, and we can help you too.
For support extending your secure attachment skills, watch our training today.
Live From Wholeness
After we’ve resolved early wounding, our lives are all the richer. Our capacity is greater. So is our empathy, our creativity, our connection to the divine, the depth of our meaning and purpose, and our bonds . . .
We absolutely can strengthen and re-access our secure attachment wiring. It’s just skill-building practice. And the easiest way to do it is through relationship.
Attachment security is part of our core-identity. Experiencing it is like unearthing gold.
Everything gets lighter. We feel playful and free. And we can measure our riches in terms of belonging—to ourselves and each other.
We’ve been here. We know what it’s like. We’ve helped thousands of couples, and we can help you too.
For support extending your secure attachment skills, watch our training today.
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